Tinder: Man tells off ladies masquerading as beauties, barring potential suitors


Hi Folks, trust you have all been well. I apologize to those who will no longer wish to hear, see or even think of me, nonetheless, I have been up and about doing what I do best.

At some point, I thought that I could kill two birds with one stone, both literally and figuratively, I thought if tinder works the way I had read over the net, (I do not have to tell you how it was getting rave reviews) then I thought I could get to meet some interesting people and maybe even figure out how the app works and then domesticate my own like taxify and littlecab did for uber. Long story short, I sign up, with face book and then twende kazi.

The filter feature worked well, it enabled one to meet people based on the criteria provided like age, and proximity to location. So there were interesting people with amazing profiles.

Now, one of the things I discovered is that in this age of selfies and taking photos in toilets, people always attempt to put their best foot forward so to speak, I am sure most of the photos on tinder where ladies (and I use this term loosely, very very loosely, you can even say generically, okay to be honest, substitute ladies the person with the facility in this story at you leisure) where were we, yes, where “ladies” took photos in fancy joints in the ladies, were primarily taken while most were on a date with another dude.

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Anywhooo I digress, so I get to exercise my pickiness on other peoples best of the best photos, and guess what ever woman outside is an undercover model, they are always taking photos of themselves let us just say Narcissus has nothing on them so go through the photos and project your own ideas about what a person who looks like that ought to be like and swipe left or right hoping that they would do the same.

So I swiped mostly left and in a few instances swiped right, the excitement at matching with another person (at this point, I am not yet cynical enough as to how we corrupt everything so bear with me) and once I started having conversations with the photos is when reality struck, to put it politely, tinder in Kenya or Kenyan tinder is for two categories of people, bored girls who have nothing but time on their hands and professionals hunting for foreigners and gullible men.

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Out of every ten people, about 8 are functionally illiterate, cannot spell to save their lives and are a serious departure from the photos (let us call it presentation) as in a photograph of a smiling, vivacious, bubbly, who seems charming, ended up generally degenerating into a lost in translation awkward conversations with yours truly, because as you all know Mimi sijui bembeleza so anyway, I eliminated these haraka haraka and was left with a few who could at least carry out a conversation. So far, so good

Now, we escalated the experiment to number exchange and progressed to whatsapp, and this now brought up new issues, “I am looking for friends with benefits” I was actually quite clear that being friends with me was potentially beneficial but what do I know? ??‍♂ Mimi ni yule msee, so anyway pole pole the conversations would either fizzle out or escalate to the meeting point. Uhmm that is when I realized that the guy from the video the other day was actually lucky…..

So I meet up with this one lady, I swear photos never grow old, I had a photo of a 25-ish old girl, and let me tell you, the momo that showed up, tuseme tu, that was strike one, by the way I have nothing against momos, lakini, do not put a photo of your former self before you ate her on tinder, that is just bad manners and false advertising, so anyway, me being me, I composed myself and went along with it, so she tells me she was 27 (big fat lie) had been married before and has four kids, two went with her first boyfriend, the other one is with her mother and one lives with her and her sister who also has I think three kids and she too left her husband so they are just surviving together somewhere in Kinooo.

Any way, at this point it was a big nooooo, yet the best was yet to come, she tells me how she has been struggling with mental problems and rage issues, and she had that crazy look in her eyes, she kept talking to me in the third person about what her person, I forget her name but, anyway let us call her Laura coz the name had an L in it, “ati when Laura gets angry, sijui Laura told her boss”. I kept wondering whether she has a skinnier twin sister called Laura, lakini 2 and a half hours later, I had a screen play for a Nigerian movie in my mind. So I gave her a push to the Kencom (we were at Java Kenya Re) and that was that….. or so I thought….

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A few weeks later, I am with my sister and we are meeting with our cousins at that ka joint in Karura near the DCI where they have nyama and stuff, and I see the same chick with another dude who looks uncomfortable as hell, yani mpaka he couldn’t eat the nyama on the table, the mama was munching it all herself. I guess Laura was making a point, anyway to my extremely pleasant surprise we looked at each other and there was no iota or hint of recognition, the stars up there can be kind….

I proceed to go through the list and eventually meet up with this chick who was actually quite nice, conversation was flowing on chat, moved on to the phone and things were all groovy, so ultimately we agree to do coffee, this time, I am smarter, I propose the cafe deli on moi avenue, near that gereza sacco building opposite comcast house. She shows up and like I firmly believe, God has a sense of humour, especially when it comes to me, this was the tiniest, smallest person I have seen, as in, she had told me she is part of the urban swaras so I knew she would be fit, lakini hapana, hata Steve ni mkubwa, well at least she did not eat like Laura, lakini, we talked, and she told me about her folks and her brother who is a drug addict and a criminal huko pipeline and the way they have all tried to pray for him and talk to him and so on and so forth, I really felt for her and all that and for obvious reasons I was not boarding……

Then, here we are, why I remembered to share these stories with you today, yesterday, I had a meeting at Garden City, and there is this lady I met on tinder, she told me how she is studying accounting, works for an NGO and so and so forth, great conversation flowing well, all that good stuff.

We exchanged numbers, became friends on facebook and so on, a really nice chick called Waithera, she said she is from Ngong although originally from Limuru, so on and so on. Now, I went to one of  the stands at Koroga Festival a short while back and there is my NGO worker, doing her thing tending to customers, serving and generally waitressing, I have no problem with that, just do not lie about it, aaaanywhooo, I saw her again yesterday, my facebook friend, tinder buddy, and the two times I have been there and met her, she has not recognized me one bit, and, lucky me she is also as tiny as they come, which really does not work in her favour, it is not until you get on tinder that you realize just how tiny a mobile phone camera is… it makes even the smallest people look huge…..

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Anyway, I shall not mention the numerous massage offers, happy ending promises, one even offered me sex for 10,000 one night, there is a bit of a formula though, any woman who generally presents her voluptuous backside to the lens when taking a photo is most likely a ho’ one “masseuse” said she will come provide her services wherever I am for 2500. Those I will not not about.

Long and short, tinder is reflection of our society, there is nothing we do not corrupt, everything is commercial and if not packed with lies and half truths, I realized for the most part, tinder is scrapping the bottom of the barrel in many ways.

There is an epidemic of gold digging ho’s out there (on Tinder) I am sure there are numerous horror stories from guys, so overall, the technology works wonders, however the people in it not so much, I realized you are basically chatting with an image that could have come from anywhere, it could have come from the internet or from her anals of history.

One chick who claimed to live in Kileleshwa and work for PWC asked me, how do you know you are not chatting with a fat hairy dude pretending to be a chick? I gave it a shot, went out of pocket for two dates, realized the epidemic of single motherhood and sex for money out here and I am content with my singleness at this point. Now, do not ask me about baidoo and the chick called Queen Anita that I eventually met at the gym and she was all woman…

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